It seems like a part of me has already made the decision in my head to drink again soon. I’m not exactly sure when, so it appears not today. Another part of me is desperately screaming “No!! Don’t do it! Please hang on longer, things must get better!”
I don’t even know what the point of drinking now would be, because it’s not to try moderating again. And it’s not because I think I wasn’t that bad. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t control my drinking – rather it controls me – and I need to stop doing it, like forever.
So why do I feel like I HAVE to have this last fling with booze? And how do I know that I will even have the willpower afterward to quit again? I am scared to take the chance. What will I gain from drinking now? Probably a few minutes of relief, a hangover, and tons of remorse and 40 days down the tubes.
I think I am just desperate to shut off my thoughts for a while. There’s just too much going on in my head. I’m also always on the go, so feel like there’s never a time to relax. And I’m also just battling with this single parent business, and so tired of inadvertently taking out my bad moods on my little one.
I’ve been reading through so many sober blogs lately, just trying to keep going, but I feel like it’s getting more and more difficult, and I’m getting more and more depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to get past this.
Feeling like there’s a big hole in my life. I’ve always had something to fill it. Either a guy, or interest in a guy, or running a web site, drinking. I think I’m looking for something to fill this emptiness in my life now. It’s a very lonely and depressing feeling. I just don’t know what other interest might be able to fill this space.