Sober Legs

Learning to walk on sober legs.

Day 40

6 Comments

It seems like a part of me has already made the decision in my head to drink again soon. I’m not exactly sure when, so it appears not today. Another part of me is desperately screaming “No!! Don’t do it! Please hang on longer, things must get better!”

I don’t even know what the point of drinking now would be, because it’s not to try moderating again. And it’s not because I think I wasn’t that bad. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t control my drinking – rather it controls me – and I need to stop doing it, like forever.

So why do I feel like I HAVE to have this last fling with booze? And how do I know that I will even have the willpower afterward to quit again? I am scared to take the chance. What will I gain from drinking now? Probably a few minutes of relief, a hangover, and tons of remorse and 40 days down the tubes.

I think I am just desperate to shut off my thoughts for a while. There’s just too much going on in my head. I’m also always on the go, so feel like there’s never a time to relax. And I’m also just battling with this single parent business, and so tired of inadvertently taking out my bad moods on my little one.

I’ve been reading through so many sober blogs lately, just trying to keep going, but I feel like it’s getting more and more difficult, and I’m getting more and more depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to get past this.

Feeling like there’s a big hole in my life. I’ve always had something to fill it. Either a guy, or interest in a guy, or running a web site, drinking. I think I’m looking for something to fill this emptiness in my life now. It’s a very lonely and depressing feeling. I just don’t know what other interest might be able to fill this space.

6 thoughts on “Day 40

  1. Hang on friend. Ride the wave through. It will pass. It always does!!

  2. Hi, I am sorry you’re feeling like this. I have gone through this stage and it is part of the journey, though very unpleasant. I had to find things to do, I actually spent most of my time in meetings which really helped. Also a gratitude list that I would put on my fridge every day was a great tool.

    I have a cool post on my blog filled with ideas to help you keep occupied – maybe you can find something fun there: http://sobercourage.com/2014/07/11/100-fun-things-to-do/
    hang in! Hugs!

  3. If want some help with the depression, look into 5HTP. It is a herbal serotonin. Helped me out in the beginning.

    • Thanks, I think I’ve used this before a long time ago. Just recently came off my anti-depressants too so it’s all hitting me at once. Congrats on your year sober btw!

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