Sober Legs

Learning to walk on sober legs.

1 Comment

Rambling after drinking

I haven’t managed to quiet the chatter in my head, in fact, I’ve probably made it worse. Last night I drank a few glasses of wine. It was nothing special, and in some way it was a relief to be able to drink again, but more than that I felt like I was being stupid, and a bit bad. The whole thing was very anticlimactic, and mostly I felt bad for being so distracted by the whole event that I probably didn’t give little one the attention he deserved.

The night went very quickly and I didn’t really have time to do what I wanted to, which was think properly about what I want to do instead of drinking. Now I think the whole idea was stupid. I’m having thoughts of just stopping again right now, but I’m also having thoughts of drinking again, maybe on the weekend when there’s more time to relax. But then I know I’ll do a LOT more drinking, and it’ll be vodka, not wine. And I’ll probably enjoy it for a while. I can’t stop the thoughts going round and round in my head today. I can barely concentrate on my work. There’s a little wine left in the bottle at home. I know I will drink it tonight. I’ll probably want more, but I don’t want to buy more now. In fact this whole drinking again thing is silly, and I want to just stop the madness in my head and quit.

Thinking about drinking is so much worse when I’m drinking than when I’m  not. Ugh! I need to get a grip. I should have realised this was a bad idea. I knew it was, but didn’t want to hear. All I wanted was a drink. I thought it would relax me and help me get my thoughts straight. But it seems to have just made things worse.

I need to make a proper list of how bad it was/is when drinking. Because I seem to forget. Lately I’ve been thinking how much better/easier it was when drinking. I just got on with life, and I didn’t feel too much stress or overwhelm. But I guess I wasn’t really living either. The thought of doing anything away from the house meant time away from my drinking, which I hated. Now that I’ve been sober a while, it’s like I can’t stand to be at home. Everything there seems to stress me out. I don’t know if it’s because everything there just reminds me of when I was drinking. I feel so confused right now.

I still can’t imagine being the kind of person who has just 1 or 2 drinks. That alone should be enough to make me quit. I am an alcoholic and there’s no escaping that. If I continue drinking, I could very well end up dead one of these days, and I know that I’m not there for little one when I’m drinking. I can’t do this to him anymore.

Now I’m feeling sad as well. I just want to cry. Like just sad that I’ve brought drinking back into my life again, after doing ok without it for so long. Clearly it’s not helping at all. I can’t believe I sort of expected it to. How stupid am I?

Been running this scenario through in my head and the thought of dragging my son into a liquor store tonight (because I need to get some proper booze) fills me with sadness. I can’t do this to him. If I give in to this, I’m going to start doing this regularly again, and neglecting him, and wasting money. I really want to be a sober person instead.

And I keep changing my mind every few minutes here at work. One minute I’m telling myself to take it easy and just have the drinking break I wanted (cos last night wasn’t it). The next I’m filled with dread about becoming the old me again after accomplishing so much.

I will actively try now to relax and see what happens.  If it means more drinking for now, then so be it. I know I’m going to stop again.  Just don’t feel like I have it in me right now.


Day 40

It seems like a part of me has already made the decision in my head to drink again soon. I’m not exactly sure when, so it appears not today. Another part of me is desperately screaming “No!! Don’t do it! Please hang on longer, things must get better!”

I don’t even know what the point of drinking now would be, because it’s not to try moderating again. And it’s not because I think I wasn’t that bad. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t control my drinking – rather it controls me – and I need to stop doing it, like forever.

So why do I feel like I HAVE to have this last fling with booze? And how do I know that I will even have the willpower afterward to quit again? I am scared to take the chance. What will I gain from drinking now? Probably a few minutes of relief, a hangover, and tons of remorse and 40 days down the tubes.

I think I am just desperate to shut off my thoughts for a while. There’s just too much going on in my head. I’m also always on the go, so feel like there’s never a time to relax. And I’m also just battling with this single parent business, and so tired of inadvertently taking out my bad moods on my little one.

I’ve been reading through so many sober blogs lately, just trying to keep going, but I feel like it’s getting more and more difficult, and I’m getting more and more depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to get past this.

Feeling like there’s a big hole in my life. I’ve always had something to fill it. Either a guy, or interest in a guy, or running a web site, drinking. I think I’m looking for something to fill this emptiness in my life now. It’s a very lonely and depressing feeling. I just don’t know what other interest might be able to fill this space.