Sober Legs

Learning to walk on sober legs.


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I want to stay sober!

Have been so busy lately, I haven’t even had time to gather any thoughts to post.

I really want to stay sober now, even though I’m having thoughts to the contrary. I do not want to fall off the wagon and have to reset my counter. I will do this. I owe it to myself, and to my beautiful boy.


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Food

I am feeling down today. Not really sure why, but it’s worrying. I have been stressing about my diet lately, and justifying to myself that I should get to eat whatever I want right now, if it means that I won’t pick up a drink. So then I give in and eat chocolate, or cookies, or buy a pie at work. And I’ve noticed my weight creeping up again. So I start feeling depressed again.

I worked so hard towards the end of last year to lose a nice amount of weight, and been really excited about losing more, finally making it to my goal weight this year. But then the weight stopped coming off.  Now I’m having this “should I, shouldn’t I?” issue with food. It feels just the same as it did when I argued with myself about drinking. I know I need to stop eating junk, and continue with my eating plan. And that’s what I tell myself every day. But then junk food happens.

I know this is contributing to my foul mood, just don’t know how to deal with this now.  Today is day 20, after tomorrow it’ll be 3 weeks. I haven’t had this much sober time in a long long while.  I just want to keep this up.


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Still standing

Had such a stressful day today – car troubles again. And I thought for the first time in a while now how nice it would be to just relax away my worries with a drink tonight. But it’s just not that simple anymore, and I really don’t want to reset my counter again. I’m really proud of my sober days this time. Today is day 18. I am still sober. That is all.


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Colour Me Sober

o.m.g. I don’t even know how many more stops and starts I’ve had over this past year. But I do know that I am done now, and want it to stay that way.

In July of last year I left my DH and moved across country with our only son. I was hoping to start my new life here clean from the get go, but my addiction followed me, as they do. And it wasn’t until November that I got serious again about stopping drinking. I finally managed 11 days straight, then relapsed – not because I was battling, but because it seemed easy. I drank for 4 days and then got in another 7 days sober. That time it was harder. I caved and drank for another 3 days. There was so much shame at that point, so I stopped again. Then I managed 12 days sober. Included in those 12 days was a Christmas away from family, my son getting ill, my first car accident, coming off my anti-depressants, and seeing my son off for a 2 week holiday. It was a horrible time, with lots of crying and hating my life. So I eventually drank again on new year’s eve to stop the hurting for a little bit. It worked, and I drank again the next day, simply because I had booze in the house. But I’d really had enough now, and poured the rest down the sink.

Since New Year’s Day I have now got 17 days sober and I haven’t yet really wanted to drink. This is monumentous! I know it’s still early days, but it’s a new record for me and I’m so happy to have made it this far.

Writing is not really my thing, but I just feel that I need to blog, for myself, and for an extra layer of accountability. I know there will be times in the not-too-distant future that I’m going to be tempted to drink, so I need all the help I can get.

One thing I’m experiencing this time sober is that time isn’t going by uber-slowly. I can’t seem to find enough time to get everything done! I am working full-time, and have a young boy to care for, so that could be why. But I guess maybe it’s good to be kept busy in early sobriety.

I am, however, battling with some kind of craving/emotional issue. I’m not hungry, but can’t stop myself from snacking continuously. I think I’m looking for something to make me feel better, because the thought of not doing it just makes me want to burst into tears. I obviously have a lot to work through.