I haven’t managed to quiet the chatter in my head, in fact, I’ve probably made it worse. Last night I drank a few glasses of wine. It was nothing special, and in some way it was a relief to be able to drink again, but more than that I felt like I was being stupid, and a bit bad. The whole thing was very anticlimactic, and mostly I felt bad for being so distracted by the whole event that I probably didn’t give little one the attention he deserved.
The night went very quickly and I didn’t really have time to do what I wanted to, which was think properly about what I want to do instead of drinking. Now I think the whole idea was stupid. I’m having thoughts of just stopping again right now, but I’m also having thoughts of drinking again, maybe on the weekend when there’s more time to relax. But then I know I’ll do a LOT more drinking, and it’ll be vodka, not wine. And I’ll probably enjoy it for a while. I can’t stop the thoughts going round and round in my head today. I can barely concentrate on my work. There’s a little wine left in the bottle at home. I know I will drink it tonight. I’ll probably want more, but I don’t want to buy more now. In fact this whole drinking again thing is silly, and I want to just stop the madness in my head and quit.
Thinking about drinking is so much worse when I’m drinking than when I’m not. Ugh! I need to get a grip. I should have realised this was a bad idea. I knew it was, but didn’t want to hear. All I wanted was a drink. I thought it would relax me and help me get my thoughts straight. But it seems to have just made things worse.
I need to make a proper list of how bad it was/is when drinking. Because I seem to forget. Lately I’ve been thinking how much better/easier it was when drinking. I just got on with life, and I didn’t feel too much stress or overwhelm. But I guess I wasn’t really living either. The thought of doing anything away from the house meant time away from my drinking, which I hated. Now that I’ve been sober a while, it’s like I can’t stand to be at home. Everything there seems to stress me out. I don’t know if it’s because everything there just reminds me of when I was drinking. I feel so confused right now.
I still can’t imagine being the kind of person who has just 1 or 2 drinks. That alone should be enough to make me quit. I am an alcoholic and there’s no escaping that. If I continue drinking, I could very well end up dead one of these days, and I know that I’m not there for little one when I’m drinking. I can’t do this to him anymore.
Now I’m feeling sad as well. I just want to cry. Like just sad that I’ve brought drinking back into my life again, after doing ok without it for so long. Clearly it’s not helping at all. I can’t believe I sort of expected it to. How stupid am I?
Been running this scenario through in my head and the thought of dragging my son into a liquor store tonight (because I need to get some proper booze) fills me with sadness. I can’t do this to him. If I give in to this, I’m going to start doing this regularly again, and neglecting him, and wasting money. I really want to be a sober person instead.
And I keep changing my mind every few minutes here at work. One minute I’m telling myself to take it easy and just have the drinking break I wanted (cos last night wasn’t it). The next I’m filled with dread about becoming the old me again after accomplishing so much.
I will actively try now to relax and see what happens. If it means more drinking for now, then so be it. I know I’m going to stop again. Just don’t feel like I have it in me right now.