Rambling after drinking

I haven’t managed to quiet the chatter in my head, in fact, I’ve probably made it worse. Last night I drank a few glasses of wine. It was nothing special, and in some way it was a relief to be able to drink again, but more than that I felt like I was being stupid, and a bit bad. The whole thing was very anticlimactic, and mostly I felt bad for being so distracted by the whole event that I probably didn’t give little one the attention he deserved.

The night went very quickly and I didn’t really have time to do what I wanted to, which was think properly about what I want to do instead of drinking. Now I think the whole idea was stupid. I’m having thoughts of just stopping again right now, but I’m also having thoughts of drinking again, maybe on the weekend when there’s more time to relax. But then I know I’ll do a LOT more drinking, and it’ll be vodka, not wine. And I’ll probably enjoy it for a while. I can’t stop the thoughts going round and round in my head today. I can barely concentrate on my work. There’s a little wine left in the bottle at home. I know I will drink it tonight. I’ll probably want more, but I don’t want to buy more now. In fact this whole drinking again thing is silly, and I want to just stop the madness in my head and quit.

Thinking about drinking is so much worse when I’m drinking than when I’m  not. Ugh! I need to get a grip. I should have realised this was a bad idea. I knew it was, but didn’t want to hear. All I wanted was a drink. I thought it would relax me and help me get my thoughts straight. But it seems to have just made things worse.

I need to make a proper list of how bad it was/is when drinking. Because I seem to forget. Lately I’ve been thinking how much better/easier it was when drinking. I just got on with life, and I didn’t feel too much stress or overwhelm. But I guess I wasn’t really living either. The thought of doing anything away from the house meant time away from my drinking, which I hated. Now that I’ve been sober a while, it’s like I can’t stand to be at home. Everything there seems to stress me out. I don’t know if it’s because everything there just reminds me of when I was drinking. I feel so confused right now.

I still can’t imagine being the kind of person who has just 1 or 2 drinks. That alone should be enough to make me quit. I am an alcoholic and there’s no escaping that. If I continue drinking, I could very well end up dead one of these days, and I know that I’m not there for little one when I’m drinking. I can’t do this to him anymore.

Now I’m feeling sad as well. I just want to cry. Like just sad that I’ve brought drinking back into my life again, after doing ok without it for so long. Clearly it’s not helping at all. I can’t believe I sort of expected it to. How stupid am I?

Been running this scenario through in my head and the thought of dragging my son into a liquor store tonight (because I need to get some proper booze) fills me with sadness. I can’t do this to him. If I give in to this, I’m going to start doing this regularly again, and neglecting him, and wasting money. I really want to be a sober person instead.

And I keep changing my mind every few minutes here at work. One minute I’m telling myself to take it easy and just have the drinking break I wanted (cos last night wasn’t it). The next I’m filled with dread about becoming the old me again after accomplishing so much.

I will actively try now to relax and see what happens.  If it means more drinking for now, then so be it. I know I’m going to stop again.  Just don’t feel like I have it in me right now.

Day 40

It seems like a part of me has already made the decision in my head to drink again soon. I’m not exactly sure when, so it appears not today. Another part of me is desperately screaming “No!! Don’t do it! Please hang on longer, things must get better!”

I don’t even know what the point of drinking now would be, because it’s not to try moderating again. And it’s not because I think I wasn’t that bad. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t control my drinking – rather it controls me – and I need to stop doing it, like forever.

So why do I feel like I HAVE to have this last fling with booze? And how do I know that I will even have the willpower afterward to quit again? I am scared to take the chance. What will I gain from drinking now? Probably a few minutes of relief, a hangover, and tons of remorse and 40 days down the tubes.

I think I am just desperate to shut off my thoughts for a while. There’s just too much going on in my head. I’m also always on the go, so feel like there’s never a time to relax. And I’m also just battling with this single parent business, and so tired of inadvertently taking out my bad moods on my little one.

I’ve been reading through so many sober blogs lately, just trying to keep going, but I feel like it’s getting more and more difficult, and I’m getting more and more depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to get past this.

Feeling like there’s a big hole in my life. I’ve always had something to fill it. Either a guy, or interest in a guy, or running a web site, drinking. I think I’m looking for something to fill this emptiness in my life now. It’s a very lonely and depressing feeling. I just don’t know what other interest might be able to fill this space.

I want to stay sober!

Have been so busy lately, I haven’t even had time to gather any thoughts to post.

I really want to stay sober now, even though I’m having thoughts to the contrary. I do not want to fall off the wagon and have to reset my counter. I will do this. I owe it to myself, and to my beautiful boy.

Food

I am feeling down today. Not really sure why, but it’s worrying. I have been stressing about my diet lately, and justifying to myself that I should get to eat whatever I want right now, if it means that I won’t pick up a drink. So then I give in and eat chocolate, or cookies, or buy a pie at work. And I’ve noticed my weight creeping up again. So I start feeling depressed again.

I worked so hard towards the end of last year to lose a nice amount of weight, and been really excited about losing more, finally making it to my goal weight this year. But then the weight stopped coming off.  Now I’m having this “should I, shouldn’t I?” issue with food. It feels just the same as it did when I argued with myself about drinking. I know I need to stop eating junk, and continue with my eating plan. And that’s what I tell myself every day. But then junk food happens.

I know this is contributing to my foul mood, just don’t know how to deal with this now.  Today is day 20, after tomorrow it’ll be 3 weeks. I haven’t had this much sober time in a long long while.  I just want to keep this up.

Still standing

Had such a stressful day today – car troubles again. And I thought for the first time in a while now how nice it would be to just relax away my worries with a drink tonight. But it’s just not that simple anymore, and I really don’t want to reset my counter again. I’m really proud of my sober days this time. Today is day 18. I am still sober. That is all.

Colour Me Sober

o.m.g. I don’t even know how many more stops and starts I’ve had over this past year. But I do know that I am done now, and want it to stay that way.

In July of last year I left my DH and moved across country with our only son. I was hoping to start my new life here clean from the get go, but my addiction followed me, as they do. And it wasn’t until November that I got serious again about stopping drinking. I finally managed 11 days straight, then relapsed – not because I was battling, but because it seemed easy. I drank for 4 days and then got in another 7 days sober. That time it was harder. I caved and drank for another 3 days. There was so much shame at that point, so I stopped again. Then I managed 12 days sober. Included in those 12 days was a Christmas away from family, my son getting ill, my first car accident, coming off my anti-depressants, and seeing my son off for a 2 week holiday. It was a horrible time, with lots of crying and hating my life. So I eventually drank again on new year’s eve to stop the hurting for a little bit. It worked, and I drank again the next day, simply because I had booze in the house. But I’d really had enough now, and poured the rest down the sink.

Since New Year’s Day I have now got 17 days sober and I haven’t yet really wanted to drink. This is monumentous! I know it’s still early days, but it’s a new record for me and I’m so happy to have made it this far.

Writing is not really my thing, but I just feel that I need to blog, for myself, and for an extra layer of accountability. I know there will be times in the not-too-distant future that I’m going to be tempted to drink, so I need all the help I can get.

One thing I’m experiencing this time sober is that time isn’t going by uber-slowly. I can’t seem to find enough time to get everything done! I am working full-time, and have a young boy to care for, so that could be why. But I guess maybe it’s good to be kept busy in early sobriety.

I am, however, battling with some kind of craving/emotional issue. I’m not hungry, but can’t stop myself from snacking continuously. I think I’m looking for something to make me feel better, because the thought of not doing it just makes me want to burst into tears. I obviously have a lot to work through.

reset, reset, RESET…

It seems like that’s all I ever do these days – and my oh my! do the days/weeks fly by when I’m boozing. I’ve been battling so much with the weekends, that I’ve been getting rather despondent lately. But I’ve gotta get this right sometime, so here, this weekend, I’m going to go sober and get a jump start on the week ahead. Seems simple enough. Let me try to make it simpler for myself cos I can be a real baby – I will not drink today.

The sun is shining. Happy Day 1 to me!

day 3 triumph

Ok, so I reset the date again. Started day 1 on Monday, and today I feel like I achieved the impossible! I sat parked outside the liquor store for several minutes arguing with myself about whether to go inside or not. I thought of every reason not to, but I still wanted to drink. I was about to go in but somehow decided not to. Yay me!!

Here’s a big THANK YOU to everyone in this sober blogging community for being my inspiration and my life line right now. I love all of you.

Wish me luck for day 4.

day 1

So here I am again.

posting

So I’ve been wanting to post more but just not getting to it. Most of my best posts happen in my head, but I just never remember them by the time I can write. *sigh*

I was so chuffed with myself last week – I achieved 5 full sober days in a row! Something I hadn’t done in a long time. But then Saturday came around and I fell off. There is something about Saturdays, or maybe it’s the whole weekend thing that makes me loose my resolve.

I want to be sober so badly to see what my life can be like. I will try to beat wolfie this weekend!